


A Place to Hide

by Anonymous



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Arthur / Others, Barebacking, Brain Damage, Cigarettes, Drunk Driving, F/M, Implied Violence, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Merlin / Others, Merlin is a sex worker, Not A Happy Ending, Not a Love Story, Questionable Consent, Rough Sex, Song fic, Verbal Abuse, Voyeurism, oodles of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:14:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28481475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: In their youth Arthur and Merlin suffer an accident that causes Arthur brain damage and alters his personality. Merlin can't bear to abandon him, regardless of how bad it gets. But even Merlin has his breaking point. Based on the song A Place to Hide by Nieves.Read the tags, please.
Relationships: Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Kudos: 16
Collections: Anonymous





	A Place to Hide

**Author's Note:**

> Someone on tumblr (can't remember who) posted this song the other day and as soon as I listened to it I had to write it as a fic. So the entire plot is basically the song. [Nieves - A Place to Hide](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cZhl3sIczaI).
> 
> I've included some of the lyrics as part of the story, you can find them in the end notes.
> 
> I would like to apologise to the songwriters because I'm pretty sure this isn't what you had in mind. Sorry!!

Merlin stood in the doorway to his work and lit a cigarette, taking a deep drag. He adjusted his headphones and turned the volume up on his music, turning towards home. When his phone buzzed with a voicemail notification Merlin glanced at his missed calls log. 

Arthur.

Merlin’s heart began to race and he took another drag of his cigarette before he played the voicemail. With Arthur, it could only be one of two things. He was either calling for a hookup or he was drunk and the message would be a litany of abuse.

The message was quiet, and Merlin pushed the volume as high as it would go. The sounds he heard were familiar, but it took Merlin a few seconds before he understood what he was hearing. That was definitely Arthur’s voice, sighing and grunting softly, and the gentle slap of skin on skin, then a woman’s voice moaning and Arthur’s voice speaking words of tenderness. Arthur had left him a voicemail of him having sex, and it sounded gentle and loving.

Arthur never fucked him like that. When Arthur fucked Merlin, it was rough and fast and almost painful and sometimes resulted in Merlin needing to take a day off work afterwards. Arthur never spoke to him tenderly, when he spoke to him at all. 

Merlin saved the message to the archives and played it again, lighting another cigarette as he continued the walk home.

~~~~~

Merlin woke gasping, sweat beading his forehead. It was the same dream, the same nightmare that had plagued him for a decade. The accident. Both of them high and drunk, young and foolish. The motorbike mangled beyond recognition. The wail of the ambulance and the vivid flash of blood on Arthur’s forehead as he was taken away. The miraculousness of Merlin’s being uninjured. Arthur’s father covering it all up, both of them getting away with it despite the circumstances.

Merlin’s mother congratulating him for his first DUI, buying him some speed to celebrate.

The fact that it had put an end to his and Arthur’s relationship. The difference in Arthur afterwards, all of his kindness turned to cruelty. His feelings mutated to indifference. Merlin’s refusal to learn from his mistakes, his inability to leave Arthur and let it all go.

Merlin lit a cigarette, staring up at the dingy ceiling of his tiny flat. He reached for his phone and pulled up the voicemail, turning it up until the sound of Arthur’s breathing was loud enough that Arthur could have been there with Merlin, whispering tender words into his ear as they made love.

~~~~~

Merlin fucked his client slowly, the way he knew she liked. Her legs wrapped around him as he flexed his hips, driving deep. She kept up a constant string of praise, someone else’s name on her lips, and Merlin thought of Arthur and the sweet things he had said to whoever he’d been fucking.

She tipped him well, as she always did. He left by the back door, her husband pulling his car into the garage as Merlin let the gate slam shut behind him and hurried towards where he was meeting his next client. He put his headphones on and pulled up another of his saved voicemails.

_“You filthy, worthless piece of shit. You disgust me. So fucking needy. You live for when I fuck you, don’t you? Scrabbling on the floor and waiting for my call. I don’t need you. If I never saw you again I wouldn’t even notice, but you need me don't you? Can I borrow some money, Arthur? Please? I couldn’t make rent this month, Arthur. I need some help. Please, Arthur. You’re fucking useless, you know that? A waste of oxygen. Fuck you.”_

Merlin knew it by heart. The volume Arthur spoke at, the tone of his voice when he was mimicking Merlin’s own. The way his voice wavered at the end as if he was about to break down crying.

~~~~~

Merlin was about to get into the shower when his phone rang and it was Arthur.

“Yeah?”

Arthur didn’t speak, he just breathed, and Merlin thought he could hear the hitching sounds of Arthur struggling to keep in his emotions. 

“I’ll be home all night,” Merlin said, hanging up as he ducked under the hot water.

Merlin closed his eyes and put his face under the spray, remembering the accident. How much blood there’d been. The moments before they’d left the house, both of them high and drunk, fucking almost desperately against Arthur’s bedroom door. Arthur’s whispers against Merlin’s ear. _You’re the only safe place in my life, Merlin. Fuck. I love you, you know that? I fucking love you._

Arthur’s father overhearing them, coming at Merlin with his fists claiming that Merlin had seduced his son. The sound of flesh on flesh as Arthur’s father hit Merlin, the bruises on Merlin’s face forming almost immediately. Arthur grabbing his hand and pulling him away, onto the back of Arthur’s motorbike, neither of them stopping to put on a helmet.

The accident. The blood and the ambulance and Arthur never, ever being the same afterwards. Merlin unable to walk away because what Arthur was now was Merlin’s fault.

Merlin climbed into his bed, not bothering to dry off from his shower, the sheets sticking to his damp skin. Reaching into the drawer of the bedside table for lube, Merlin lay back and began opening himself up. It had been a long time, and he didn’t know what kind of mood Arthur would be in when he arrived.

“You’re a pretty little whore, aren’t you?” Arthur’s voice came from the bedroom door and Merlin looked up, scissoring two fingers in his hole, dripping with lube. Arthur was still beautiful, the years only sharpening his good looks. 

“Look at you, so desperate for it,” Arthur said, gripping one of Merlin’s ankles and pulling him to the edge of the bed, pushing into Merlin without any preamble. Merlin let out a cry of pain as Arthur fucked into him hard, the angle wrong. He tried to picture the young man he’d known, the Arthur who had loved him. The Arthur who had called him his safe place.

Merlin wasn’t Arthur’s safe place anymore. Merlin was only a place to hide.

~~~~~

Merlin came awake fast, his heart racing. His aching body reminded him that Arthur was there, and Merlin turned to watch him sleep. He was so beautiful. Merlin reached out and touched the scar on Arthur’s forehead, but Arthur didn’t waken. It had been a decade since the accident. Ten years of Arthur’s alternate abuse and desperate need. 

Merlin kissed Arthur, risking everything. Arthur kissed him back, half-asleep. Merlin took Arthur, limp, between his hands and pulled rhythmically until Arthur was hard, then he reached for the lube.

“Fuck, Merlin,” Arthur said, and Merlin closed his eyes and said a silent prayer. _Please let me have my Arthur back, just for a little while,_ _please._

Pushing Arthur onto his back, Merlin sank down slowly, sighing. Arthur’s hands gripped his hips as Merlin rode him. Arthur spoke softly, his voice low, and Merlin pretended to hear every word.

_“Oh, god, Merlin. You’re so beautiful. Do you know how beautiful you are? I’ve never loved anyone since you. You’re all I’ve got. Fuck. I’d be lost without you, Merlin.”_

_You’re the only safe place in my life, Merlin. Fuck. I love you, you know that? I fucking love you._

_The sound of screeching brakes and the wail of an ambulance siren._

Arthur sat up awkwardly and they moved until Merlin’s back was on the bed, Arthur between his legs. The sound of skin hitting skin as Arthur fucked him hard, neither of them speaking. There were tears in Arthur’s eyes as he came, Merlin with Arthur's name on his lips.

~~~~~

Merlin lit a cigarette as he waited for the train. He’d left Arthur in his bed, and he’d left his phone and keys on the kitchen table next to a hastily written note.

_Arthur,_

_I still remember when we crashed your bike._

_The flash of red above your eye._

_Back then I was your safe place, but now I’m just a place to hide._

_Merlin_

When the train arrived, Merlin boarded, tossing his suitcase into the luggage rack. He threw himself into a seat as the train pulled away.

He did not look back.

**Author's Note:**

> If you clicked through to the song you'll see that I've incorporated some of the lyrics into the story. Here they are in all their glory:
> 
> "Do you just want to be with someone / Or do you want to be with me? / I know you’ve had your troubles / So I won’t interfere with your sleep. / I only see you when you’re lonely / You only see me on my knees / I’m always begging for rain / But I am never dressed appropriately / Will I die hopeful that you are coming home to me? / Your voice broke on that phone call / And I had never heard a sound so sweet / I still remember when we crashed your bike / We were young and drunk and high / You said I was your safe place / But I was just a place to hide / A place to hide / You hate the fact that I’m so serious / Even though you know I’ve had to be / I was far too close in age to my mother / She was just a child when she had me / Now you only deal in spite and stories / And you cast them up constantly / How am I supposed to be there for you? / When you keep saying it’s not me you need? / Will I die hopeful that you are coming home to me? / I heard your need on that phone call / And you didn’t even have to speak / I still remember when we crashed your bike / The flash of red above your eye / Back then I was your safe place / Now I’m just a place to hide / A place to hide / The ambulance came crashing / Through the town around me / They carried you away and / I just hoped to god you’d found your peace / The devil in your mind / There is no cure for that disease / Did I keep the pain at bay? / Or did I just watch you bleed? / I still remember when we crashed your bike / I think about it all the time / You were searching for a safe place / But there’s no hiding from the ghosts inside / The ghosts inside" - A Place to Hide by Nieves


End file.
